Friday, January 15, 2016
We were driving home from taking Jadon to swim practice last night, and Kiahna and I were talking about Leah being baptized this weekend. Kiahna asked me if I had been baptized. I told her I had. She asked how old I was. I had to think. I guess it would have been twenty years ago this month. I would have been 23.
As I reflected on that conversation ,I remember the lie that I swallowed that came along with accepting Christ and being baptized. The lie that somehow my life was going to get better now, easier. I was going to get to live the life of ease, because I was finally making better decisions with my life.
I realize even today I still deal with that lie on so many levels. This morning as I was working on a question in my Bible Study of Hosea, the question presented was, "Do I trust God is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do, or do I keep a plan B just in case?"
There is a real battle to settle for a plan B. To say "You are too slow, silent & confusing" I want something I can see and believe. I am tired of walking in the darkness with You." There is a constant battle going on in my life.
I told God last week, after having a frustrating issue with Jim, that I really would like for Him to give me something believable to have faith in.
I know. Such a struggle.
I finished my first week of college courses last night. I was so frustrated. My first class is a simple Introduction to Microsoft. BUT, the text book is directed towards non-Mac computers, and I have a Mac. Everything is set up different. I am spending tons and tons of time trying to find simple commands in Microsoft word that the book is showing me, but I have to struggle to find on my Mac.
I was in tears last night thinking "WHY DOES EVERYTHING I DO HAVE TO BE SO HARD!?" For real! This is supposed to be a simple class! But, no! Then I began to think that I should just quit. I am too old, it's too late, and I am too alone to do this.
Oh the battle.
Zach was here yesterday, he asked for a ride home after work. Then last night he asked if I would take him to work at 6 am this morning. I don't want to. I don't know what I am doing, I need so much wisdom. I don't want to be an enabler, I don't understand what is going on with his life. I don't even want to understand. I want to pray for him from a distance and not have to get my hands dirty.
Of course, I took him to work. And decided I would stop at the gym to get my workout time in since I need to go to Ft Wayne with Kiahna for a doctor's appointment today too. I was on the treadmill and my usually HGTV shows were not on that early, I turned the channel and settled on a Joyce Meyer sermon that was playing. Joyce starts talking about how we want our life here to be easy. How we often look at how someone else is walking out their lives and how they seem to be "getting away" with doing things that we are denying ourselves, and how much it's going to pay out in the end if we are obedient.
I think full circle back to my commitment to Christ. How much I have struggled with the lie of life being easier when I accepted Him, and how much it has not been. How I struggle with taking steps into darkness & how many days I have to force myself to keep going.
Intense battle of the thoughts going on. Pushing through. Needing prayers.
Looking forward to a weekend celebration of my daughter Leah & my nephew Colton giving their testimony & being baptized. I already feel the tears coming on. I am so blessed.
I will push forward to week two of college.
I will keep praying for God's direction and the grace to be obedient to Him as I walk out this crazy life.
In His Grip,