Thursday, November 12, 2015

Quietness and Trust.

Not long after Jim left this last time, I met with some friends, one of them said this to me as we were praying, "I would find healing through repentance and rest, quietness and trust is your strength".

It resonated with me, we talked more about how I quickly things had developed (although my thoughts at the time they were developing were along the lines of "I WAITED 10 YEARS FOR THIS, QUICKLY ISN'T REALLY WHAT I WAS FEELING!")

Her wise advice was that there was too much, too fast, and we were not prepared, social media and public appearance were too quick, in her opinion.  And she was right.

At the time it was like a perfect storm though, things happened, and then there was this brick wall I slammed into where God said, "Okay, this is stopping now."

Because, He won't give me more than I can handle, and He won't let me settle.  And he knows my personality and He knows Jim's, and He knows best.

So, last week I was in a little shop downtown Decatur, and there was a canvas photo that had the verse on it, "Quietness and Trust are your strength".  And I confess, I didn't even put it together or realize that what was quoted to me earlier and I wrote down, and had been taking to heart, was Scripture.

It's in Isaiah 30:15 & 16...
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,    in quietness and trust is your strength,    but you would have none of it. 
You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’    Therefore you will flee!You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’    Therefore your pursuers will be swift!
It was good for me to see it in the Scripture, good for me to see it in context.  Because, when God told them that their Strength is going to come from their quietness & trust, they said, "No."  They had their own ideas of what needed to happen.  Actions to take and plans to play out.

And they failed.  Because that's what happens when we decide we know better and we take matters into our own hands.  We fail.

Oh how I want to walk this thing called life out God's way.  How I want to rest in His plans.

But, I can sit here feeling like my life is being wasted.  The enemy will tell me I am wasting my life.  That I should do something more.  Somehow make something happen for myself.  And it's a temptation.

Oh, Lord, give me the grace to walk out Your plans for my life.  To pray, to wait, to hear Your voice.  To have a quiet heart and trust You with my life and the lives of my family... because that is my strength.

In His Grip,


Wednesday, November 11, 2015


God spoke a word into my heart this morning and again later in the day.

I confess I had to look up it's meaning.

The word was Apathy.  I felt Him saying you are slipping to a place of apathy.

The second time I heard it, I asked Siri what it meant.

"Apathy means, lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern"

I knew He was right.

As two months of silence from Jim as turned into three... I have settled back into my old normal.  I no longer hurt like I did in those first few weeks.  I no longer ache for what I was feeling in those months when we were working on our relationship.  Time does heal things.  Time helps the memories to fade and new ones to grow in their place.

But, one thing I felt all along in this journey was that it was about so much more than just me and my feelings.  That God was working on something much bigger than what I could see on this side.

And that is what I need to keep pressing in for.  Something I don't understand or know, or see.

But, there is a man out there that I love.  I have loved him since I was fifteen years old.  And he needs Jesus.

He needs the real Jesus.

To come and break his heart for Him.

To become his Savior.

Jim needs to have all his masks broken off.  All the pretend, "I can fake this" pieces need to be broken away.  And the real, for sure, Savior, needs to break in.

The marriage... I don't know.  I don't understand how that all works out.

But, the Salvation, the Relationship, the Healer.  That I do know.

Right now, my prayer is that I can keep on praying, and not slip into apathy, lack of interest, concern or enthusiasm.

So easy to do.  I want to move on.  But, God is saying, I need you to stay in this fight.

So, I pray for the grace.

In His Grip,


Wednesday, November 4, 2015


I was thinking yesterday about life.

When I see photos of people with their small children, it's easy for me to miss those days.

For real.

I thought yesterday, what would I do differently if I could go back?  What would I tell myself in my 20's?  What are my regrets?

You know what came to my mind?

How discontent I was with my life.

How unsettled I was.

I know from where I sit today at 43, and after knowing what was actually going on in the undercurrent of my marriage in those days, that much of my discontent came from the inability to control my husband and his life being out of his own, and God's control.

But, I also know,  that where I sit now, I have learned the hard lesson that you can have joy & peace & contentment regardless of the circumstances.

And I see what a battle it is to maintain that.

Because, there is always going to be something in our lives that we don't like.

Sometimes it's a small trivial thing and sometimes it is HUGE mountains that we have no idea how we are going to conquer.

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation"  Phil 4:12

So, here I am.  I can't go back.   All I have is today.


Today I will have Joy.

Today I will be content with my life.

Today I will not look back with regret.

In His Grip,