Monday, October 19, 2015

Pressing forward

When I have been quiet for so long, it can be hard to start speaking again.

There isn't a whole lot to say.  God is keeping me in the dark when it comes to Jim.  Zero interaction for six weeks.  I can struggle with that.  I have had to process it over and over again and choose to look at it as God's protection over my mind and family.  I don't understand why God does things like He does.  But, I am trusting His Best for me and my family.

God still isn't a God who allows things to happen for nothing.  He doesn't give the kind of peace that I had when Jim was here and then say, "oops".

The battle right now is in my mind.  It's in getting that taste and having my life totally changed, and then the switch flipped back again in a snap.  It's in missing what I tasted & it's in frustration over the reality that before all this I was really content and happy with my life.  The battle is in prayer.  The battle is in believing.

I still ask God if I heard and understood wrong.  I still wonder if I am just crazy.  I am not ignorant to the insurmountable circumstances.  I don't see how I could ever trust again.

I forget it's not about me.


I applied to college.

As I spoke to the admissions counselor, he asked me what program I am interested in.  I can't say I really know that answer.  I know that I want to use what I have been through to help other people.  As I spoke to him he recommended I look at their masters of counseling program.  The Townsend Institute,  now, I have no idea if I will actually get to that point, but I know that as I looked over the books that the counselor recommended I look at by John Townsend, I knew I needed to read some of these books.  One way or another, maybe it was just the books God wanted to point out to me.

I know that I was not ready to deal with the amount of "stuff" that Jim is dealing with.  My boundaries were sketchy.  And as far as learning to trust again... how would I ever know?  Perhaps Beyond Boundaries:  Learning to Trust Again In Relationships?

The real battle for me in reading things like this, is that I can't apply anything.  I remember reading similar information the first time we separated & being so frustrated.  This time I have to press forward in faith.  I have to follow what God is teaching me and not hide my head in fear and frustration.

One way or another.  I have to keep moving forward.  Not in ignorance or in unbalance.  But, learning what God wants me to learn to I can be better prepared when the time is right, and better prepared to help other people when I get the chance.

My words have to match my prayers.  I have to speak truth and life as I understand it.

My kids are all being kids.  Life, as it is now, is our "normal".  It's not what any of us wanted, and I pray for the time to be redeemed quickly.  And their ability to forgive again.  And Again.

It's fall break here this week, I have tons of photo shoots to edit and shoot yet before the cold weather takes over.

God is good.  He gets me through the hard moments.  He is teaching me so much.  I am thankful for the prayers and the grace that is new each morning.

In His Grip,


Tuesday, October 6, 2015

How it ended up

I just wanted to write the finish to yesterday's post about Jadon's birthday.

After school, I wasn't home, I had to run Kiahna to an appointment, then I came home just in time to let him open his gift & play with it for a few minutes before we could go to Lucas' games.

Then after the game we went to Pizza Hut with Lana & Ben, their kids & Grandma & Grandpa.

We got home and he was saying his prayers at bed.

He says  "Thank You that I could have the best day ever!"

Sure glad that he sees it that way.  Thankful for answered prayers and filled in gaps.

Taking him and some friends to sky zone tomorrow afternoon too.

Thanks for prayers.

Thankful for God being the father to the fatherless.  Always.  Even when I doubt.

In His Grip,


Monday, October 5, 2015

Jadon is Twelve


Hit me pretty hard this morning.  Jadon's birthday.

I got up early enough to make pancakes.

I came home after taking them to school and just lost it.

My thoughts got the best of me.  Some of you will be glad to know I am human and have anger, doubts & fears, I am sure.  Oh, and hormones, can't forget those.

To be brutally honest I couldn't contain my frustration & anger.

We adopted this sweet boy to bring him into a home where he would be loved & accepted.  Life just hasn't went the way I pictured on this day...

And this morning I weep over that.

I cry for the lost time.  The abandonment.

I cry out to God for redemption.  

To fill in all the huge gaps that I am completely unable to fill.

To be the Father to the fatherless, as He has promised.

I want to scream, IT'S NOT FAIR!  Why did You let us have that taste of having a dad around only to take him away again?  I DONT UNDERSTAND!  I don't know how my children are supposed to understand.

I feel like the obstinate child.  (Like Jadon was yesterday when he needed to apologize to me)  Saying, I forgive, Jim again for missing another milestone, after promising us he wouldn't miss any more.  But, I don't really know if I do.

I was so content with my life.

I am healing, don't get me wrong, I have had some really good days where I feel "normal" & content again.  

Then there are days like today.

I want to scream vengeance rather than forgiveness.  

Father Forgive me.

In His Grip,