Thursday, July 30, 2015

My Birthday and Accepting the Gift...

I had such a blessed birthday...

Overwhelmed seems to be the word of the season.

It was a little awkward to take this photo, but I really wanted this memory.  

The first day we were all together, My birthday, My gift.

Trying to take it in.


If you can't tell, accepting what God is doing is happening more every day.

We have had some amazing evenings this week, with kids occupied doing other things & able to talk about more and more things.  Each topic just brings more and more healing & amazement.

I couldn't have even dreamt in a million years that this was how things would EVER look in my life.  Or that God's amazing transformation in Jim's life would be THIS AMAZING!

Please keep praying.

Feel free to ask me questions for more blog posts!

Love you all!



Monday, July 27, 2015

God's Amazing Gift...

If you are coming here for an update from last Friday's post, I have one for you!  If you haven't read last Friday's post you might be a little confused!

It was an amazing weekend.

Watching Jim speak to our children, asking for forgiveness, apologies, repentance... walls just crumbled all over the place.

God is doing such a big thing.

My heart feels like it might burst with thankfulness & overwhelming amazement.

All of the six kids accepted his words.  In their own ways.

My oldest two met separate from the youngest 4.  Worked out really well that way.

I was very thankful to hear my oldest say that he came to the discussion looking for one thing, "sincerity" and that he saw it.  Saw it in Jim's eyes and heard it in his words and believes that Jim means what he says.

Z didn't have much to say, he is pretty wrapped up in his world, and he is going to take some time.  Acted like he didn't really care much, laughed it off, said he agreed with his brother.  We will give him time.

The younger kids all have been around Jim more, and they are very happy, laughing, talking, joking, hanging around more... it's just so much to comprehend.

Kiahna is handling it pretty well for her.  I feel like she is acting out a little bit more than she was in the past weeks, but she doesn't like change so that's not a surprise.  She will be loving on Jim one minute and then mad at him the next.  Sounds pretty much like she is with me most of the time.  I've been impressed with Jim's ability to take her in stride & his strong desire to ease my burden with her.

Today is my birthday day.

I couldn't sleep last night.  I finally got up and did some reading.  Read some old Bible Study workbooks and felt God speaking to me very strongly about the "gift" He is giving me, and asking me to accept the gift.  Pretty appropriate for my birthday.  I spent some time repenting for my doubts and fears, telling God that if He is giving me a gift, I will accept it.

My mind might be blown at the moment.

Please keep praying, so many things...


In His Grip,


Friday, July 24, 2015


Being Brave.

I am not sure why I struggle to share this here.  In person I am an open book.  I guess I don't have control of where this goes and who reads it and can't quite gauge the response I will get.

Don't we all like to have that good 'ole human approval.


Not trying to live my life for man's approval.  Trying to live my life for God.

Almost 10 years ago, my marriage crumbled.

No, not crumbled.

It was crumbling before that dreadful September day, where my marriage, took a bomb & didn't survive.

It died.



God began to rebuild my life from the rubble.  He brought me hope.  He brought me humans who helped me survive the devastation that was my life.  He covered every single need I had.  Every one.  I have not lacked.

He prompted me to grow, to pray, to believe in miracles.

To trust Him.

For a couple years after the explosion of my life, I rallied an army of prayer warriors to pray with me for my husband, my family, my survival.

I wrote, and wrote, and wrote.  I exposed my heart.  I prayed.  I believed God.

I believed God was telling me, and others, repeatedly, that He was going to restore my marriage.

I believed with everything that I had, and I trusted Him.

But, then time happened.

Lots and lots of time.

I struggled with what I believed God had told me and the reality of the situation.  I had to come to a place where I just let it all go & moved forward.  I trusted God had spoken Restoration, but maybe it just didn't look like I thought it was going to look.

And, God did restore.

He brought myself and my six kids through so so much.  He worked & He provided & He amazed us.

Yes, we have had some major, major struggles.  And we still do, but God, He has not left us for a moment.

God Had Restored my life.

And I am more in love with God than ever.  He is my everything.  He fills all my gaps, and my desires, He has given me a good life.

Contentment.  Peace.  My chaos is my normal & I am good with it.

Then.  God decides to remove that period I had placed on the chapter of my life that included my husband with a comma.


For me it started after Leah's graduation party.  I felt that God was doing something with all those prayers and He was stirring things up.

I received some text messages from Jim (my ex-husband).  Apologies, pleas for forgiveness.  All the things that should have been said ten years ago, but weren't.

My head started going to all kinds of thoughts, and I started working to control the thoughts that were coming.

Another week past & Jim texts me again.  This time about his sister having a baby.

Okay, this is new.

Another week, he texts that his brother had a car wreck.

I am thinking, okay, this is how it is going to be now, he is going to start communicating with us about his family.

Not in my comfort zone.

Then, about three weeks ago, he just texted me "how are you?"

And we started talking.

After a couple of days he asked if I would ever sit down face to face and talk with him.  Lunch?  Dinner?

I already knew my answer would be yes, that I was already being prompted by God to do this.

And I couldn't stop thinking how crazy, just crazy this all is.

And oh yes, the ten million reasons in the earth that I shouldn't do this.

But, the ONE reason why I should.


There has been a lot of talking.

Ten years is a long time.

Then my basement flooded, and Jim begged to come help me deal with it.  Fine.  After 10 years you can do something around here, who am I to say no?  He cleaned out the gutters, the kids begged him to stay for dinner.  It was crazy awkward for me.

We had dinner alone, talked for three hours.

The "right" things are being said.  I'd be lying if I said that I believe every thing I am hearing without doubt.

I have to keep going back and back and back to God.

I can trust God. I can't trust Jim.  But, if this is God I will walk with God to wherever God is taking me.

I have a lot of peace.

I am praying for daily confirmation to keep going.

I have fears.

I don't know how all this looks, and I think that the life I had without Jim in it surely was a lot easier than this is going to be.  Maybe?  Maybe not.

This all feels very surreal, very new, very scary to even say out loud.

Lots and lots and lots of things need to be said, lots and lots and lots of time needs to be lived out, lots and lots and lots of actions need to follow the words.

This weekend, Jim is planning on talking to all of our kids.  He has things he feels need to be said.  And I am planning to support him in this.

And see what happens.

Above all, God has my heart, He owns my life & I will follow Him.

I would not be true to who I am or who He is if I didn't.

Always, In His Grip,


Friday, July 17, 2015

I will go before you.

"I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight: I will break in pieces the gates of brass, and cut in sunder the bars of iron:
And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel."  -Isaiah 45:2-3
I posted this on my Insta account yesterday, and a friend commented she was interested in knowing my thoughts on it.

There are reasons why this verse caught my attention yesterday.  I won't be sharing all those reasons yet, but I will soon.

The past couple of weeks have been different.

I have had this "new normal" going on, and I have been very happy & content in it.

But, God doesn't seem to like to keep us to contented.  He seems to have more, and plans, and ideas... and answered prayers to bring to our doors that create chaos to our "normal"

God is asking me to take some steps in a very scary place right now.

And as I pray about this, and I realize that this place is actually the answers to so many prayers.  I know I have no choice but to walk this out with God.

But, as I look at the world and the reality of things, I have no idea how that happens.

And these verses come to my mind.

God in his sovereignty isn't leading me to this place and then asking me to take it from here.

He has a plan.

I have no doubt that "HE has gone before me"

and "He will level the mountains"  (and oh boy are there mountains)

"He will cut through the gates of bronze and bars of Iron"  (I don't see anywhere here where is says I am going to have to do this)

"He will give me treasures of darkness"  (Darkness has been all around this situation for so long)

"Riches stored in secret places"  (I can't even imagine)

"That I may know, that HE is the Lord, the God of Israel, who summoned me by name"  (I still wonder why me)

I can't figure out how this is all going to play out, I am not even brave enough today to say out loud what it is!  I know I am battling some fears (those aren't from God, He doesn't do that)  And I am feeling peace & Believing God.

I believe God so much that I have to take the risk.

I could not be true to who I say I believe God is and say no to Him because of all the darkness, the delays, the hurt, the time.

This I know & believe.

  • God has my heart
  • Jesus is my everything and I will not have to compromise
  • He is able to do exceeding abundantly above anything I could ever ask or imagine 
  • I don't have to be afraid
Remind me of that all in the coming days.

Truly love you all, and I will be sharing with those of you who don't know what I am talking about very soon, I am sorry to be so vague, but there is a lot at stake here.

Please pray for my family.