Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Updates, Florida, & Mexico

Struggling for words.

I am exhausted of the paperwork.  Red tape.  Lack of resources.  Lack of time.  Lack of help.

We returned Saturday from our trip to Florida.  

The weather was perfect.  There were good days with Kiahna and then there were hard days.  Typical.

Deanna came along & helped with her & helped the rest of us with other things when K wouldn't allow Deanna to help her & I had to give K all my attention.

Realistically, it was the best case it could have been with the resources and the circumstances we are in.

There is still the search for a new doctor to manage her meds.  The developmental pediatrician had nothing new to offer.  Her words were that I was doing everything that I could to advocate for K & that she really didn't have anything else to add or offer.  While part of that statement is good, the realty is that the resources that we have are so limited and not enough to help her as she needs.

I had my appointment with Crossroads early in March.  Was supposed to hear back in 10 days.  After calling four times, I finally heard back yesterday.

She was DENIED services for wrap around.

The intake specialist says she is not giving up yet though.  Tweaking the paperwork hoping the state will approve.

Super, super, super frustrated with this.  All the red tape and lack of help.

The reality that the actual FASD diagnosis is not recognized by the state as a legitimate disability.  You have to have other things to go along with it to make it significant enough to get the resources.

The reality that it's a brain issue, and it's being treated as a behavior issue & mental illness.

Such a huge, huge, huge mountain.

Good thing I have the ONE who moves mountains on my side.


In other news,  James & Brookelyn were over Sunday night, they are both enjoying their new jobs & their new apartment.

Zach lost his job & moved back home.

Leah loved her trip to Mexico over spring break with the Sunday School!  She got asked to prom & voted on the prom court!  She needs a dress & is super super picky!

Lucas started his track season, had fun with the guys on our Florida trip & is loving having his drivers license.

Jadon is being a typical eleven year old and is doing all he can to help with Kiahna on a daily basis.  Love his heart.

I'll leave with a few photos from your trips...

We had some friends of Koty's and their families with us this year.  But this is who was there from our family.  Colton was there for a few days early in the week, but didn't make the group shot.

My kids in Florida 2015

yes that's a mad walk.  She didn't want to take photos, she wanted to swim.

A friend from Jadon's class was there with his family.

Eating makes her so happy.

Love Lucas.

Older girls who were super sweet with K all week.

From Leah's trip:

In His Grip,


Monday, March 16, 2015

Monday update, after a great weekend!

I have to keep this short, we have a two hour appointment this morning with a developmental pediatrician.  A new practice that just started up a couple weeks ago.

After the way a 15 minute appointment with her current PA, monitoring her meds, I knew a 2 hour appointment was going to take a large miracle to be successful to survive.  I called a new friend, Wendy, who has offered to help me with her, and has experience in the mental health field.  She is accompanying us this morning to the appointment.

I really don't know what to expect.

My 2 middle kids, Leah & Lucas were in the school musical this past weekend.

It was so so so good.  Not just saying that because I am a mom, I am sure it made it even better when you love the kids in it with all your heart.  Everyone loved it!

Did my heart amazing good to have that in the midst of so many hard days.

So thankful to the friends who watched K so I could enjoy this.

James graduated from the police academy friday too!  (you could say this was a full weekend!)

We are still working on the current meds with K, and seemed a little better yesterday, after we tried a lower then a higher dose.

I am living trying not to push her too much.

Our Florida trip is just days away.  Many prayers that it will be a positive trip and we can relax, have fun & not to much anger.

I have to go!  

In His Grip,


Friday, March 6, 2015

Open Doors

Yesterday I felt like God finally started revealing Himself, after all the silence.

I am feeling less alone.  I am less alone.

Seems I never understood that placing your child in a treatment center twice in less that six months opens up some new doors for services that didn't exist before.

We are now qualified for more intense therapy.  We are now qualified for respite care at the expense of insurance.  We are now qualified for residential treatment.

I still don't know where we are going.  But, I know that God feels like He isn't hiding from me anymore.

I can truly say that God proved again He is big enough to deal with all my anger & frustration.  I can say in my humility I should have trusted Him more than I did.  I wish I could have.  But, I know He remembers my flesh.

Times of prayer & worship have been refreshing my soul.

God has opened doors & brought confirmations.

He is showing Himself faithful.

I have peace.  I am not afraid.

I know that He has not forsaken Kiahna & I.  I know He put her in our family for a purpose.  I know He has and continues to refine & humble us through her.  I know that He did not make a mistake when He gave her life.

I know that she didn't come with a return policy.

I know that I am fighting for her with all of the fight that I would for any of my children.

I know that as God has adopted me into His family as His own.

Not less.

The same is what I feel for Kiahna.

And It can only come from Him.  He gives us the ability to love.  He tests that in the flames of adversity.  He gathers off the dross.  He says "do you see?  Do you see that I love you just as I love her?  Do you see she isn't less?  Do you see she is not an orphan anymore?  Do you see you are doing my will? Can you walk through this fire and let me refine you and care for her through you?"

I see.

Do you?

In His Grip,


Thursday, March 5, 2015

still riding

I brought Kiahna home last night.

Short stay.

They can't do anything but throw a new medication at her anyway.  At their own admission.

This time she was given a sedative when she couldn't calm down when I took her in.  That was the reason we ended up there Monday, she couldn't calm down.  The place that was supposed to be helping me with her meds wasn't helping.  I had called 5 times with no one helping us.

What I see so far, she got upset almost right away with me last night.

I don't feel like I have a strong tolerance at this point.

My bruises still aren't healed from the last medication episodes.

I did use the sedative on her last night.  I know if it gets too far into the fit I won't get it in her.  So hard.

So she was listless and non-emotional on all levels last night mostly.

Finally saw some smiles at bed.

She woke up with pretty much the same mood.  Not emotion either way.  Didn't want to be touched (she is usually snuggly and cuddly)  and she was twitchy.

I have appointments with 2 doctors for more help coming up.

Have no idea if they will help, but they could be better than what we have.

But, we have to wait.  March 16 is one and April 15 is another.

Pray for us to get help.  Pray for peace.  Pray for no violence.  Pray for smiles.  Pray for strength.  Pray for hope.  Pray for our Florida trip (2 weeks away).


In His Grip,


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Wake me from this nightmare

Is this real?

I really wanted a better plan in place, new doctor, new treatment, new insight before we had to get to this level again.

Kiahna woke up Monday morning & I knew we needed help.

I hate that I had to go back to the same treatment place we were before.  But, I have no new plan.  No options.

I have an out of control child who I am helpless to fix.

The deepest pain in my life has come from sitting here helpless while those I love suffer.

I am not playing the martyr.

I am knocking on every door I am shown.

I don't have answers.

I don't know what today holds.

I just know that in the past God has always kept me.

Please keep praying.  I have nothing left to give.

In His Grip,