Friday, February 27, 2015

I got up from under the bus...

I am just waiting til 8 am so I can call the doctor... again.

Like in the past, it appears that the meds are working against us.  It appears that we don't react normally to the meds.

I have been calling every place I can find or anyone else tells me about looking for someone who understands FASD enough to help us.  I have some leads, but now to figure out which to try.  Waiting for some calls back.

After last night's episode with her, I thought about a lot of things.

Is this worse than before I put her in the hospital?    I think it may be.

Is this the meds?  I think it may be.

Is there any med that is going to make this "go away".   No.

Is there any med that will give us some relief?   Not sure.

How much worse/better would she be on no meds?  I think she could be better on no meds than this.

Is there a natural way to do this?  Who has the right potion.  Everyone has a "this worked for me" idea, and so far, I spend a lot of money, that I don't have, and I get no further.

I feel like the more I talk about my commitment to her, the more I advocate & the more I pray, the worse things are getting for her.

I don't understand.

I have been feeling like I have gotten back up & rejoined the fight.  Which is great.  But, I am still fighting a ruthless, ugly, vicious, terrible battle that plays dirty and is as inconsistent as the wind.

I feel that there are many elements to this battle.  Spiritual, Physical, Mental & Emotional.

So, taking a deep breath.

Looking to the LORD.  Thankful for open doors.  Answered prayers.  The positive.

God has answered my very weak prayer of having someone come along with us to Florida to support me & Kiahna.  Deanna B, called after reading my blog earlier this week.  She felt God's call to come with me & that she was the one.  Blew me away.

It's out of our comfort zones to do this, all of ours.  But, we have to trust that God is in this.  He knows.  My first concern was that K doesn't know Deanna.  And what if K decides that she doesn't want D to help her?  Deep breath.  Have to trust God.  We will take your prayers on this though!!

So thankful for this.

I have gotten some meals from some friends, it helps so much with the hard evenings.  I can't even tell you.  I am hopeful we process all this before I get busy at work again & I can accept jobs with confidence that K is taken care of.  Still praying for a person who would be able to come to my house at least 2 evenings a week to stay with J & K this fall.  Who's God calling to that?

I love you all, I am so blessed by your support!

Thanks for reading another post, and praying another day.

In His Grip,


Monday, February 23, 2015

Not as good of news

Well, hard to say really which one of us fell apart first.

One of the most challenging parts of Kiahna's disability is the complete need for the one in charge to stay under control of their own emotions and frustrations when she is losing it.

I would love to be able to say I am always great at that.  I am not.  I am human.  I do fail to keep my emotions out of all the melt downs.  Every time I let them step in though, I pay.

PMS always seems to play a card in the days I can't keep it together too.

Being human and all you know.  Allowing myself that can be a whole other challenge.

Thursday last week went as every Thursday does for us.  I pick her up at school at 2:10, we drive through Dairy Queen, she gets food of choice (minus anything with food dye).  We have that discussion most days on the way there.

She had chosen a chicken strip basket (which is on sale right now and she loves the toast that comes with it)

Can I just order toast?

We drive from Dairy Queen, towards the hospital where we do OT each week.  Half way there, she realizes she got gravy and wanted ranch.  She tells me & then adds, "It's no big deal."

What?  Wow!  I am so impressed!  That is like a HUGE trigger!  Not getting the food she wants!  She was FINE with it!  PRAISING THE LORD FOR MIRACLES ON THE WAY TO OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY!!

We walk in, sit down, and she says in her old mean, grumpy face "I don't want to do this today".

Okay, I said, "fine, lets go, I am not going to fight with you." and walk towards the door.

Honestly, things get fuzzy here.  I remember she didn't move, and I walked back to her.  Then I remember she started kicking me & I tried to stop her and she grabbed my hands and her nails hadn't been clipped since before she was in the hospital (2 weeks probably?) and I had instant blood dripping down my left hand and my right hand was full of nail marks.

I am trying to keep her contained, with blood & food on her lap and she becomes a wild animal mode.

And I go in to "I can't believe this is happening I had my hopes up I am going to melt down too" mode.

Two ladies from the OT office came to help restrain her.  I remember one saying "she's strong"  and I think I made a sarcastic reply.  Not my best moment.  Another said "what is going on here?"  And I can't remember what I said.  (you work here lady, check her records)

She finally calmed enough to be released safely.

It's kind of like holding a tiger's tail.  If you let go at the wrong time you get bit.  Literally.

I was devastated.

I wasn't supposed to have to do this again already.  These meds were making a new girl.  I was crushed.  Angry. Angry.  Crushed.

She did do a few minutes of OT for us.  Was fine.

I call the doctors office after OT, asking if this is a "normal" thing to have happen.  I get a call back a couple hours later, with no good answer to my questions.

I had plans for the next step of our day.  I needed to take Lucas to take his drivers test for his license.  Leah was waiting for me to bring her K, so she could take her home & I was taking Lucas for his test.

A therapist was coming to our house to visit K, and while I hated to miss that, I had already cleared it with her that it was okay for me to not be there and to take Lucas.

Therapy seemed to go fine.  Leah kept texting me that she was fine.  Then she says that J & K are mad at each other.  Nothing major happened though.


I get home, there is tension.  K is stuck in mad at Jadon.  I am trying to make dinner & talk to her & she is just standing in the center of the room with her mad on.  NOTHING we don't deal with often.  Just upsetting that we are dealing with it NOW AGAIN.

I get the food done, let the other 3 eat, and try to get her out of the kitchen away from Jadon so that I can get her calmed down.

She loses it.  Or maybe I lost it first, not sure.  I am trying to talk to her, she gets mad that she had to leave the room, starts kicking, hitting, biting.  On & on it goes.

Thoughts go through your head in moments like these.  Thoughts of what the world to do.  Why is this happening again?  Disappointment of the meds not taking this all away.  Disappointment of GOD not taking this all away.  Extreme frustration.  Emotion.  Sadness.  Anger.  Anger.  Hormones.

My rational (irrational?) mind thinks that she can't get away with this, she needs to know how serious this is.  I call 911.  Again.  Not long after that she calms.  I call them back & tell them she is calmed.  They are still on the way.

Ended up with 5 police officers at my house.  The one from Decatur who has been out here before, called Berne, and it must have been a slow night, so we got lots of response.

Of course she is calm by now.

She is, I am still crying.

They want to know what to do.  What do I want them to do.  Together with the officers we look through her discharge papers and find nothing that helps us.

I tell them to leave, I can get her to bed & I'll call the doctor again tomorrow.

So, that's what I did.  I still have yet to get a decent reply from the doctor.  I get more help from my online support group of other parents who have been there.  I get tips from them.  I get "my child has been on that med, you should give it a couple weeks to stabilize"

Why can't the doctors who prescribe these things say that?  What the world is wrong with this whole system.  What the world is right with this whole system?

My own disappointment has been very hard to overcome.  I saw a glimpse of a different world with a daughter who was not angry & had feelings of being "normal girl".  I haven't seen much of that normal girl since Thursday.

Thanks to a fellow adoptive mom suggestion a power nap after school, we have done that 3 times now and gotten good results for later evenings.  It's taken some fighting to get the actual nap to happen.

I finally bit the bullet and purchased a sensory weighted blanket for her, its on order.  Hoping for the results I read about, better sleep, better days to be helpful.

I have had tons of messages suggesting this or that or another thing for her.  I am trying to be wise in what to try and what not to try.

I wondered if perhaps part of the issue was that I had put her back on all her vitamins and supplements after she got out of the hospital, maybe something is reacting with the new meds?  I took her back down off of all of those and have slowly been adding them back in.

I can't say that we have had too much time with the kind of girl I had the first few days home since Thursday.  She may be a little more in control, but not like we saw early on.  Its devastating to me.

I am really having to process a lot.  I know my faith has been tested and tried through this all again.  It still is being.  I know I have too many thoughts and emotions running wild too often.  I have fears to tame & frustrations to endure.

We are so coveting your prayers.  We can't live without them.

I am blessed by the physical supports of some meals coming in to ease the stress.  So many kind words and prayer support spoken.

Physically I have some needs.  I am praying for some more physical hands to come along side me.  I am going to need help at home to be able to work, this fall for sure, as Leah goes to college.  I think it would be wonderful to have someone after school for a few hours a couple days a week.  Someone to come here & play with the kids and help things go smoothly.  Someone who is strong in mind and has a heart for this.  Someone who GOD is calling to be this.  It really can't be anyone else.

I am praying for the physical help for weekends too.  Hoping that the contacts I have made for, perhaps, some all weekend care for respite will come through.  At least on the weekends I have weddings, if nothing else.

I would love to find someone to go along with us to Florida for this spring break, to be the one that sits in the pool and hot tub with her & meets her needs, so I can read a good book and relax.  If you or someone you know would be interested in that please let me know ASAP.  I will pay all the expense and cover costs of lost wages if I can.  I have one person asked, and so far it doesn't seem to be working out for her.

God is blessing my photography business like crazy.  I look at that aspect of my life and think that HE is defiantly wanting me to do this business.  So HE MUST have a plan for what K does in that time slot?  What is it?  What am I missing?

My ultimate goal, God willing, would be to keep her in our family for her entire life.  That's what adoption means to me.  It's for life. I don't know if that is going to happen.  I don't know what God is going to do with all of this.  I am struggling to live one day at at time and trust.

I know this got really really long, and if you are still here, thank you.

Just a reminder, I am happy for you to share my blog with just about anyone, I would just like it kept off of social media links, for the protection of my older kids.

Thanks so much,

In His Grip,


Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Kiahna after being home a couple days.

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to write an update on Kiahna since she has been home!

I hope most of you might follow me elsewhere to have been able to see how her reunification has went.


I am amazed.




Looking for words.

She is different.  Calmer.  Happier.  RATIONAL!

I see how she is acting now, and I realize just how bad things were.

I hold my breath because I wonder how long it will be til the first tantrum.

I wonder if she is healed?

I wonder if it's just meds?

I wonder what the world I waited so long to get this kind of help for.

And I wonder if I will ever let it go that far again.

We picked her up and she fell asleep on the ride home. 

Night one.  Great.

We had to go to town for meds.  We ate out at subway, her choice.

Love the smile.

All went well.  It was so good to get her home, wash all her clothing, and get her in the tub.  So good.  It was amazing to have her back home where she belongs and to check on her in her bed.  I didn't even mind her coming in my room in the middle of the night to climb in my bed.  

Tuesday, she went back to school with no problems.  I figured the test would come after school.  We had dentist cleanings scheduled for her and Jadon.  If she could do that.  I thought we were doing well.

After school we stopped for a treat at Shacka-shack.  We walked out and she looked at me and said "I am acting just like a normal girl".


She was.  The dentist went great!  I mean super great!

We took this while she waited on Jadon to get his cleaning done.

One very very small bit of anger over chores and towards Jadon.  Not a crazed anger, and typical anger.  Very different things.  Let me tell you.

Today was great too.  Again, another very small angry time at bed & pill time.  She did get the mad face back out, I hadn't seen it yet, and I was pretty bummed to see it still exhisted, it was only a few minutes and it was gone and my rational girl was back.

Let's see if I can get this video to play here:

I am so hopeful this is going to last awhile.  Please pray with me that it does!!

In His Grip,


Monday, February 16, 2015

Lice and other things I wasn't expecting to happen when I put my daughter in the hospital

Updated:  I did get the call that she is discharged and will be coming home this afternoon.  On the higher dose of meds.  I am really struggling with all of this.  Anxiety and headache.


I honestly did not have any grid to know what to expect from putting K into a behavioral treatment place.

It was such a sudden decision made in complete overwhelm with the circumstances.

Zero time was made investigating what it would be like.

Realistically, who wants to think about it.  Who wants to know?

No one.

I guess I was expecting this experience to be more like a break and less like a roller coaster.  I was expecting to feel more relief from the agony and not more agony & heartache.  I am process so much.  Most of my thoughts are still swimming around my head and not really landed yet on what exactly I am thinking about all of this.

I know I am very disappointed with the level of care she has gotten.  The physical care is lacking.

I go there one day last week, Kiahna had two roommates (so far) while she has been there, both were 7 years old.  I got there and I noticed that the two girls had switched sweat shirts.  Which had one of them swimming in it and the other skin tight.  No big deal.

Pretty soon I also noticed the 7 year old had on K's pants.  Which were wayyyy off her feet and she was walking all over the legs.

I told the staff.  No one had noticed.  One of them told me "I told them not to share clothes."  I know that isn't their top priority there, I am sure they have kids all the time that come in with clothing that doesn't fit properly & they don't know who owns what.

It's like home in so many ways, I walk in there and her stuff is spread from one end of the unit to the other.  "Kiahna why are your boots out here?  Why is your blanket in that room?"  I saw her socks on someones desk and her stuffed animal was thrown behind the nurses station and no one knew it.

The day of the clothing switch I went back in to the room with K, as I have all the days she has been there, to comb out her hair.  We couldn't find her comb.  K told me she gave it to her roommate.  No surprise, K gives everything away.  One of her gifts, she is a giver.

The aid comes in with her roommate so that she can change her clothes, I ask "A" where K's comb is.  The aid says.  "Well, you may want to throw that comb away, I disinfected it, but A came in with head lice and we are treating her"


Totally didn't see that one coming.




I am still upset about this one.  Praying that we don't bring headlice home with K.

One aid told me "they usually don't put kids with a roommate if they have headlice"  Ya, well they did.

And they are sharing combs and clothing.

Then I get a phone call that they were trying to sleep in the same bed.  (they call me about these things to just let me know, which I understand why, but I also understand "why")  poor little scared girls.

But.  Headlice.  And ya.  Wow.

Hoping that the time that has passed has taken care of this issue and nothing comes home with her when that time comes.

In all those types of things, I am so ready to get her home and take care of her better than this.  To make sure she is cared for properly.

In other ways, I am really scared we will just be picking up right where we were, and other than a week of break from her (which isn't nothing) there will have been no progress from this decision.  And then what?

The doctor was ready to send her home with me Saturday.

I was a little bit frustrated with that, because it was not what I was told and I had Valentines plans to go to Tim Hawkins with Zach (small little miracle right there).  And I didn't feel that bringing her home and then leaving her with my poor parents right away was a wise plan.  But, what other options did I have.

While I was there for therapy on Saturday with her, she got very upset with me & the therapist.  The therapy was "taking too long" and she was missing out on what the "rest of the kids are doing"  Her anger grew the longer we spent in the room and she did grow into a state of kicking and hitting and trying to bite me.

The therapist was thankful she got to see it, and was going to support me with the doctor on having her stay awhile yet and working on the med dosage.

After the therapy session she was glad to get back to her unit.  And we waited on the doctor to see if she was coming home with me or not.  At this point I am assuming there is no way she will.  Obviously we are not making progress here.  We need to work on the meds just a little more in my opinion.

I am just the parent.  I have no opinion apparently.

She sees the doctor without me every day.  Which I find totally inappropriate.  I had not even spoken to the doctor until Saturday.

I walked to the waiting room to use my phone, while we were waiting on the doctor.  When I returned not too much later, K comes running up to me saying "I get to go home!  The doctor just told me!"


The therapist comes over, I tell her, she says, "WHAT!?"

She heads to find a nurse to try to find the doctor.  None of us even know where the doctor is that told her this information so quickly!

While they are paging the doctor, I see him come out of a room down the hall and start walking towards us.  I introduce myself and he does a double take.  I ask him if he is aware that K had just had a tantrum and was hitting and kicking me in the therapy room.  He says "no one told me that."

The therapist comes back over and confirms what I just said.  The doctor says, "I am going to go talk to the nurse".

He comes back after awhile and asks to talk to me alone.

He made comments to me that hurt, "you can't just leave her here forever"  "you might have to look into a group home if you can't take care of her"  "I can work on the meds a little more but there is only so much I can do".

I told him that I would appreciate it if they could work on the meds a little bit more. I had been told that the dosage could go up quite a bit from where it was now.  Why wouldn't we try that now while she is here?

He agreed.  Glad I could do his job for him.

Yesterday, I had some crazy calls from the hospital (I didn't go up).  K actually called me herself and was demanding me to bring her things.  Hung up when I told her no.  Then later I get a call from a nurse asking if they can give her Benadryl because she is anxious, hyper & then tearful.

That would be a no on the Benadryl.  I am so sorry you have to do your job today & deal with kids who are trying to regulate their meds.

Obvious to me from the phone calls that the meds were too much.  Glad I can do your job for you.

So, today... maybe the dr will release her.  Maybe he won't.  I am sure without standing near again today I get no input.  I am planning to go with Leah to a scholarship interview at Huntington and then  head up to the hospital afterwards.  To bring her home or visit.

Feeling ready to bring her home.  Not feeling like she is getting better.

Big sigh.  Big prayers.  Big processing.  Big God.

In His Grip,


Friday, February 13, 2015

An update on K: day 4

It's been a really long week.

So many emotions, daily trips to Ft Wayne, so much processing.

When Jadon and I went up on Wednesday to go to the first family counseling, and to visit K, it went really well.  She was very sad when we got there, huge tears & asking when she could leave.  After about 15 minutes of sitting with the therapist she stopped clinging to me, and started talking to Jadon & acting like her old self.  (the happy old self)

During this session, it was mostly just gathering information.  She did say that the doctor planned to keep her at least until Sunday,  and that we would have another counseling session on Saturday.

It was all pretty uneventful.

Jadon and I left and spent the rest of the day doing a little shopping for him for some spring break clothes & we decided to go watch a movie together.  We got home in time for supper and warmed up some soup that someone had brought us.  None of us are very hungry, but I seem to be eating way too much anyway.

Comfort foods.  Why do we do this?

After a good day with Jadon, he had another melt down when I said it was time for bed.  I guess you could say I melted down right along with him, because I really had nothing to give to this type of tantruming... I get it.  I do, but I have no more patience.  I am supposed to be getting a break from dealing with this kind of behavior!  I was so frustrated.  So frustrated.  Of course that doesn't help him cope either.  Uhg.  Sigh.  Uhg.

He fell asleep angry at me.  I kept laying with him, not wanting to leave him alone in his grief, and not really wanting to deal with it either.  I could say nothing right, but it's the whole "go away but don't leave me" mode that hurting people give.

He had a lot of anxiety about returning to school and having people talk about it.  I have been emailing with his teacher a lot.  I must say, I wasn't super sure I was going to like his teacher this year, but in this instance she has been stellar.  I am just going to copy and paste her email to me when I told her how upset Jadon was.
"I can only imagine the stress you are feeling. I will continue to pray for you and your family.  May God give you strength to overcome the turmoil and stress you are facing. I pray that you will be filled with the Holy Spirit, that God will lay his healing hands over you and your family to help strengthen and uplift you. 
Mrs. Hutker:"
We are blessed.  Jadon said that no one said anything about it yesterday.  We both agreed that was an answer to prayers.

I decided it was too much for him to go up there to see her again so soon.  He stayed with my sister's family last night when I went up.

Yesterday,  I wanted a semi-normal day.  I wanted to get back to my zumba class & get some chores done around the house.  I planned to visit in the evening this time (you get longer if you go in the evening)  As I drove to zumba class, my phone rang.  It was the insurance company.  So, instead of Zumba class I got to spend the next hour talking about Kiahna's disabilities with a very nice insurance company lady.

Really spun me out.  I wanted to have a normal morning.  I was all over the map emotionally and feeling some depression slide in.

I am baffled at how it seems no doctor, therapist or insurance company can share notes!  I have to repeat the same information over and over again to everyone, and THEN when she is in care, I don't feel like the staff has even read what I said about her!  It's quite frustrating.  I am totally okay with talking to friends about the whole thing, but I am pretty much sick of informing the professionals, but I have a long list of people to call, who will all have to hear the story, ahead of me.

Just not this week.

So when I visited her alone last night, she was pretty good.  Again wanting to know when she could leave, saying she doesn't like it here.  But, she does like playing with the other residents.  She told me a few times that I could leave because she wanted to play with the other kids, not me.  I pushed her a little bit and we ended up coloring and playing a game of Sorry with another resident.

Our game of Sorry ended when she got upset and wrecked the board.  Not in a violent way, but we saw the mad face and she pushed the board away and wrecked it.

Since the night time visiting time is longer.   She seemed really tired, but apparently they get to go to the gym in the evenings after the parents leave.  So, I was the last one still there, she was ready to go to the gym.  One of the workers, who I have seen there often with them, named Mark.  She had her mad face on & I asked him if they are seeing the mad face there, he said "oh ya".  That made me feel better, at least they had a little bit of the true her coming out.

I think the longer she is there the more they will see of that, unless this is a really good med.

Hard for me to tell if this is all really changing anything at all.  Seeing her mad face last night was hard.  Part of me would still love to find a pill that would magically make her into a kind person all of the time.  I may always grieve that.

The real test of how much progress she has made, or if the new med is working, will be rejoining our family unit.

Jadon asked last night at bedtime (he was much better, much much better last night) why God doesn't just put His hands on Kiahna's head and heal her.  We talked about how He could.  But He is choosing not to.  We talked about Heaven and how Kiahna's brain would be normal there.

Can I cry again.

Today my friend Lora is going up with me.  She won't be able to go in, but I'll do the lunch visit and then we will do some shopping & lunch.  I am blessed with wonderful friends.

Saturday, we will go back for a family therapy.  Most likely, take all 3 kids who live here with me.

Last I was told she would be dismissed Sunday.  Not sure if that will change or not.

We are so much in need of your continued prayers & are so thankful for them.  Thank you

In His Grip,


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

An update on K: first day.

I am so blessed by the outpour of love for our family in this time.  Thank you is not adequate.

After being at the treatment center very late Monday night/Tuesday morning, I was pretty blurry yesterday morning.  I answered a lot of texts, emails and messages.  Most of them with "Thank you".

There are very specific visiting hours for parents & siblings.   Anyone outside of that are not allowed to visit.

I went in for the lunch visit yesterday.

Before that, I had called to find out how things were.  Wasn't sure on the visit how much info I would be given.

They tweaked her meds & said they had not had any issues.

I was met with a very mellow/sad/tired little girl.  She was alongside her roommate, who was a little younger, and they were the youngest two in the cafeteria.

The three of us sat down with their lunches and K barely spoke and the other little girl craved my attention and told me her very sad, scary life story.

Heart breaking.

I had taken K some clothes, as we had nothing but what she had on at check in.  All the clothes had to be inspected and any ties cut off or removed for safety.  I took her a blanket from home and she was clinging to it very tightly.

I got to help her put away the clothes & I combed out her hair for her.

She was a little upset when I left her again after 45 minutes.

I called after bedtime last night to check on her and found out she had slept after I left until 4:30.  That wasn't too normal, but we were up really late the night before.  They also said they had no behavior issues with her.

Part of me is glad and part of me is a little frustrated with that.

After the visit I had an appointment (already set up from before all this) to work on her Medicade Waiver.  I spent another hour and half talking about her disabilities.

By the time I walked out of that office, I felt so weary of talking about all Kiahna's issues over and over again.  Repeating the same things to different people at each step along the way.

I decided to run to Pier One, because I love their things & felt like a treat.  I got a couple spring colored couch pillows, a scarf & a frame.  All in spring colors.  Retail Therapy.

Then I headed to starbucks and treated myself to a Mocha, I have been really restricting my foods in January, and have lost a nice amount of my Christmas (and before) pounds.  So this was truly a treat.

Ice cream sounded wonderful too.  I didn't end up even eating any of this last night.  Jadon did though.  Which was good for him.

Jadon was very upset last evening.  He was melting down over a toy he couldn't find and was angry at the rest of us for "taking it".  I was trying to be patient, but my patience is thin.  I was thinking, really?  I left the difficult child, just to gain another?  In all reality we have these moments pretty often when she does well he flares up, never to the extremes she does or the length, but it happens.  If I was a psychologist  I am sure I would have a reason for that.

I was catering to him and trying to help him find the lost toy (which we didn't find) and he finally let me in a little and talked about how much he misses Kiahna and wants to go see her.  He was analyzing her schedule and asking what things are.  He didn't want to empty the dishwasher, they usually do that chore together, because it made him think of her.  Deep Sigh.  Fine, I'll empty the dishwasher myself.  

I finally decided that I was going to take him with me today when I go up.  We are to be there at 10 am for family counseling and then we will be there for her lunch visit.  

He was happy about that, he didn't want to go back to school, he doesn't want people to talk about it.  

I sent him to his 4H meeting so he could get out of the house and not have to be thinking about it here.

I got to spend that time with a friend, again eating foods I shouldn't :) but it was good to be out and have time to process.

Someone brought us over some soup and cookies.

We are feeling loved.  Feeling peace.  Hoping for the best.

We were told she would be there three to seven days.   I have no idea how long it will be.  Hoping I will be told more today.

Thank you seems so inadequate for your prayers & love.

In His Grip,


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Last night

I just wanted to update that I admitted Kiahna in a treatment facility last night.

Please keep us all in your prayers.

In His Grip,


Monday, February 9, 2015

An angry post

I have been feeling a lot of anger.  I have been dealing with a lot of anger.  I have been angry about the amount of anger I have to deal with.

Winters are hard on Kiahna.  It's hard on the family.  It's hard to be stuck in the house all day with an angry person.  Who grows angry because she has no outlet.

There are different types of anger.  The type of anger I feel, is rooted in a grief & loss field.  It starts with a realization that this is hard, its not getting better & the future is dark & there is a loss of what I thought my life would be like & how I would live.

Kiahna's anger is very primal.  Its based on her misunderstanding of the world, her frustration with people & how they don't follow her hidden agendas or give her everything she wants.

Kiahna's anger has grown with her.  Making her harder and harder to contain & control.  A couple of weeks ago, I needed to run in to town for a short meeting with a customer.  All 4 of my children were home.  I had debated taking K with me, but Jadon assured me that he would play with her and they would be fine.

98% of the time they are fine alone.  It's just every once in a while that things go crazy.  And when they do go crazy they go to the extremes.

I was gone for about 45 minutes from the home before I got a phone call from Leah that things were bad & when would I be back.  Leah tries very hard to just deal and not always call me.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate this from her.

When I got the call,  I left immediately and headed home, ten minute drive.  I was only home for a few minutes, and been told a few of the facts before the sheriff car showed up in the driveway.

As I write this... I have to say it feels surreal.  Do I really live this life?

Kiahna had become angry and gotten knives off the top of the refrigerator and was threatening to kill the other kids with them.  The older kids had gotten them away from her, calmed her down & she was okay.  But, Jadon wasn't.  He was scared, angry & frustrated.  He called 911.

Leah seeing that Jadon was trying to call 911, hung up the phone to stop him.  He was very angry and running away with the cordless home phone & so she did what she felt she could to stop him & unplugged the base.  So... when 911 tried to call back... no one answered.

Sherriff at my house.

Second day in a row actually,  I am working on revamping child support and the sheriff was out delivering me a sepenia  the day before for court.  Stopped my heart then too.  I had no idea they would deliver it that way.

So, at this point, sheriff car in my drive way.  Kiahna calm as a cucumber, you would NEVER suspect she was the start of all this.  Jadon locked himself in the bathroom and won't come out.  I go out and attempt a short version explanation of the situation and what I know (which wasn't the full story at that time even)  I ask him if he had time if he wouldn't mind just talking to the kids.

Just a side note, this was the Adams Co Sherrif dept and my son works for the Bluffton City, and is still at academy.

So, there is the sheriff, standing at my bathroom door, trying to get Jadon to come out & Jadon is refusing.  I get a key & open the door, and Jadon has a drawer pulled out so we can't get it open.  He does close it pretty quickly when he sees that there is an actually police officer out there through the crack.

He brings them both out and sits them on my couch and speaks to them for awhile about why it's wrong to call 911 if you don't have an emergency and to fight like they were.  He did well with them, was down on their level and took time.

Lucas says later, that policemen like that make you want to become a police officer.

We talked a lot after he left.  I talked with each of the kids alone & tried to process things, how things went wrong, what could have and should have happened differently.

One thing I do think should have been done differently is that if Jadon was truly scared, and I think he was, he should have told them what was going on and not tried to hide it.

Grim reality.

Jadon does have a lot of anger at times.  He had a right to that also.  Doesn't make it better or justify.  He deals with a lot for an 11 year old.  He is expected to do a lot.  Living with Kiahna is enough to make anyone angry.

From there my own mental state deteriorated, the alone feelings.  The overwhelm.  The lack of help.  Who would want to help us?  How scary it all is.

The weather was predicted to be really bad & the thoughts of being stuck at home in the house for a few days with them felt like a jail sentence.

Sunday was another big tantrum.  I kept her up to late, Jadon did something, like walk past her and touch her head & she exploded.  I ended up bit and scratched (again.) and holding her down with my sister while she was so out of control she was screaming, drooling and almost throwing up.

I went home after it passed, put her to bed & went on my support group and vented.  Others talked about having the same issues after certain times of night.  How their kids can't handle being up and out late, how it traps them at home.

I realize, I am not okay with being trapped at home with a disabled angry child and willing to give up my very small social life.  I know there is a module in my training on grief and loss.  I don't want to be told that this is my sentence and I need to somehow process it and be okay with it.  I am not okay with it.  I want to be able to go over to my family's house and stay longer than 7:30 without a huge ugly angry episode that leaves me with scars physically and emotionally.

I think it was all God's mercy that the storm went just a few miles north, and we didn't end up stuck at home.

Once she did go back to school on Tuesday, I was still reeling from all of it.  I cried.  A lot.  I am not usually a cryer to that degree.  I felt tired of being the strong person.  Of feeling alone with this.  Of feeling like I am constantly trying to understand and educate myself and those around me to no avail.

The grief and sadness passed and I began to feel stronger again in the coming days.

I felt love and support from people and God & that the devil's lies of me being alone held no truth.

Battling back.

Every day is hard.  Every day Kiahna is angry.  Some days more than others.  Some days she is violent.  Some days she isn't.  Some days she responds to me.  Some days she doesn't.

I question God.  I feel some anger at Him.  Angry that He wants me to handle all this.  That I am alone in so many aspects.  That I don't have more supports.  That there is no break from FASD.  That it is so unfair and totally unnecessary disability.

I have begun the grief and loss module of my FASD training.

Just wrote this down:

"The thing about being a caregiver is you are constantly grieving, there is no death and finalization of it"
Sounds like divorce too.

The world is so hard.  I cannot do this alone.  Thankful for my Jesus who says I am never alone.  I rebuke the liar who tells me that I am.

I pray for physical hands and feet to walk this with me, for babysitters who are willing to put themselves out there and risk injury to care for this creation of God that has been placed in my home and who God obviously gave life to for a purpose.

I am reminded that the adoption agency gave me the metal sign that has hung in my kitchen since the day we came home with her.  Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

After her anger she gets very low.  She gets very sorry.  There are huge tears.  She says things like how much she hates herself.  Her birth mom, her disability.  She tells me how badly she wants to be nice to people and have friends.  She is just so unable.

My heart breaks.

In His Grip

Monday, February 2, 2015

Short prayer request

A really long, explanatory blog post would be in order.

Except my kids are off of school and I have no time for luxury this morning.

I will say this.  The days are long.  The battle is strong.  We need prayers on so many things & most days I am dragging myself over the finish line.

Please keep us in your prayers.  God has a plan.

In His Grip.