Monday, September 29, 2014

A quick update for September.

Ah!  Where did September just go??

I think I cloned it out in Photoshop!

CrAzY month of blessings!!

My photography schedule is filled to capacity through the end of October.  I couldn't be more blessed & more in awe of how GOD is doing this thing in our lives!!

Trying to balance out the family time & the house (who needs things clean anyway?)

Kiahna has struggled to adjust to my busy schedule.  It's hard for me to understand it all.  Always looking for people who feel called to be blessing and help with her, thankful for the new faces God has risen up and the old ones that keep steady with us in this journey.

James has moved in our house for his new job post at the Bluffton PD, Brookelyn is back and forth between here & her job still in Mishawaka.  James will have his swearing in tomorrow with the department.  The academy will come the end of November-March, then they will be moving closer & she will find a new job.

Zach is doing a little better.  Probation is pretty much over.  I have just pretty much been keeping clear and letting him figure life out.  He went back to church the past two Sunday's and seems to be thinking a little more maturely.  Still prayerful for him always.

Leah made homecoming court!  We went shopping for an outfit and the week will be full of fun events this week!!  So proud of her & her amazing attitude, spirit & heart!  She is such an amazing blessing to us all!

Lucas is enjoying JV football & can not wait to get his drivers license.  (But, with Koty driving him from football, I really don't see the need to rush things!)  Exciting weekend when we beat our biggest rivals, SA, in overtime, after being down 0-14 at the half!  Can't believe we did that!  Good to see the team rally together like that!

Jadon is maturing very nicely.  Turns 11 this weekend (YIKES I NEED TO PLAN SOMETHING SOMEHOW!)  He continues to do well with Kiahna and many of her moods really do stem with how the two of them are getting along.  It's touchy.  Don't want to put to much pressure on him, but he is becoming a big help to me.

Kiahna, like I said has been struggling with my schedule.  She has had more outbursts and tantrums again.  It's so hard.  I really need the prayers to keep going on each day.  The energy and focus to keep going.  The wisdom to know the right things.  And the miracles along the way.

Life is busy,  need to get back to my editing... and change the laundry loads!!

In His Grip,


Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Kiahna's 10 year birthday

My baby turned 10 this past week.

Ten years feels like a milestone.  Ten years have been really hard.  Really hard.

Adopting her at birth, traveling to Arkansas, having 2 babies less than 11 months apart, while homeschooling, that first year.  While my husband's life was unraveling under my nose, and I had very little energy to notice.

My husband's bombshell & his abandonment when Kiahna was just a year old.

Muddling through the angry words that somehow the downfall of my marriage, and his infidelity fell on her presence in our home.

Processing, processing, processing.

The tantrums.  The fits.  It was all normal right?

The dismissal from "typical" preschool.

The anger.  The questions.  The overwhelm.

The testing.  The anger.  The questions.  The overwhelm.

The admission in to "special needs" preschool.

The testing.

The testing.

The testing.

The answer.

The anger.

The education.

The medications.  The medications.  The medications.

The appointments.  The appointments.  The appointments.

Therapist, therapist, therapist.

Money, insurance, money, insurance.





School.  IEP.  Typical classrooms.  Emotionally Impaired classrooms.





Ten years.

We have answers to many of our questions.  And questions for many of our future days.

Fetal exposure to alcohol?  Drugs? Violence?  Hunger?

We don't really know.  We weren't there.  We can only speculate with the information we have, the symptoms we have, the test results that all come back "normal" because this is not a genetic issue or an illness brought on any other way.

We have educated ourselves in the facts of Fetal Alcohol.  The reality is that it is a spectrum and depending on what was developing when the child was exposed to whatever substance or abuse, that was what became damaged.  It appears to us, by all our research that Kiahna's exposure must have been often.

The effects seem to have affected her in every area of her life, besides her physical appearance.  (but if you have education in those there are some thing that don't measure correctly, but are not noticeable to the average person)

So, at 10 she is hyper focusing on what she wants for her birthday for months.  Wanting what her 4 year old cousins got for Christmas.  Dolls that would appear to perhaps be below her "typical" peers desire.  She wants.

Maybe that explains to me why as a preschooler, when she "should" have wanted those things, they all sat and were not touched.

The delays in her emotional & mental development are extreme.  The delays in her educational development are extreme.  The social impairment feels unovercomable.  The only area where she is advanced.  Physical development.  Dear God, please help us.

Statistic for FASD people doing well in society depends 100% on their support system.  I am her external brain.  Her teachers & peers are her external brain.  She does what we tell her to.  She makes good and bad choices based on how much guidance she is receiving.

Then add in the inability to really understand the social norms, even when she is told, and a high level of anger & frustration.  Along with the desire for a routine & a need for a calm environment so she can regulate best.

Am I painting an accurate photo?

I feel the need to be heard.

I am not going to lie and say that I don't feel alone in this at times.  That the educational system and IEP meetings, doctor & therapy appointments are not overwhelming.  

But, I am also not going to lie and say that I have not been given an incredible ability by GOD to do this.  This was HIS plan, He hasn't been shocked or surprised by any of this.

I do believe that HE has been and will continue to raise up the support and the help that is needed to raise Kiahna the rest of her life.

I do not at this time believe that she would ever be safe living on her own.  I wonder if she would ever hold the ability for a job, or to be left at home alone?  I can fear so easily and feel very overwhelmed.

Adding hormones out of control into this mix is not going to be easy.  It's not going to be fun.

We are in need of much help, prayers, and physical hands.  Just because she is growing older doesn't mean she has grown easier.  She is not typical.  As cute and normal as she looks.  In many ways its more difficult BECAUSE she is so cute and normal looking.  Society expects her to be normal.

Most of you reading this probably already know all this.  I guess I just needed it off my chest again.

In His Grip,