When I can play my A game, even though I know I have no A game left to give.
See, when I play my A game, Kiahna can play a C game. Usually. Sad reality is that I must be on top of it. Every day.
I have so many struggles in my mind with my overloaded schedule.
I recently have set alarms on my phone to remind me that we need to eat dinner, and that I need to close the lap top & focus on my children. Or close the lap top (AND PHONE) screens up and and focus on God. As elementary as it is, it's the reality. I work online. I must spend an incredible amount of time on my lap top. (I have the back pain to prove it)
When I consider different things, I fear falling back into a schedule that is so neck breaking fast paced and overwhelming that I can't see straight. I need to set up some better expectations of my older kids. Very badly. I have a list though. A list that includes setting up some better expectations for my older kids & responsibility around the house.
Just making a list took off tons of stress.
Marking things off feels good.
So, I guess I just want to say, I got a breath of air. I thank you for prayers.
I am grateful we went into public multiple times this weekend without being a public display. At home I haven't had to restrain for a few days.
I am working on being more loving towards Z, and not so full of fear, aka anger towards him. I know he has to make these life changing choices for himself, and no amount of frustration from me is going to make them for him. Balancing being loving and not being a doormat or being tolerant of something that isn't acceptable. Trusting God has some plan, even though it feels very slow, if moving at all.
My body has been protesting the stress. My diet protests the stress. I hate that I can do so well all day and in the evening not give a care what goes in my mouth.
I am choosing to have Faith when I can't see. I am believing God isn't out of control. I know that HE promised to be the FATHER to my fatherless children. I have no idea what all that means. But I am choosing to be an overcomer.
In His Grip,