Family

Family

Saturday, November 30, 2013

More consequences

Special prayer request.

A girl that Z has liked for many years is getting engaged tomorrow.

He found out about it a couple of weeks ago & we now know that it was partly to blame for the big blow up he was having then.

Tomorrow it becomes official.

Not sure that he knows that part yet.  I texted the girl today & she is wanting to call him but I asked her to wait until he was home, he isn't home yet.

She doesn't live in our area, but they met at a church event many years ago & they both thought up until very recently, they would one day get married.

He told me last week that the reason he was not with her now is that he didn't want to do what his dad did and go to a certain church because of a woman & then repeat his dad's mistakes.  (said with much spite and anger)

He could take this all in stride.  But, I doubt it.

Really concerned.

He had said he was coming back to church tomorrow.  He is working on getting a job.  He has been trying hard to do the right things.  Attitude was a little better in general, as long as we avoid certain topics.

Hard for me not to fear that this will set him back again.  Hard for me to see this happen and see him reap more consequences of his choices.

Those of you who don't' know how things go with my church, might be really confused by this.  Those who do, don't really need to know more info in order to pray.

In His Grip,

Pam

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Just Wow.

My youngest came in to my room at 4 this morning & woke me up asking to come in my bed.

My mind came on & I wasn't able to go back to sleep.

Pretty amazing I have been able to sleep at all the past few weeks & days, actually.

Since writing last, things have been really rough.

The kind of rough where someone rips open all your scars, pours salt into them, stomps & spits on you & then walks away laughing, thinking they win, rough.

Not the kind of rough I have dealt with very often in my life, thankfully.

I had mentioned a meeting between my son, Z & his dad.  A meeting that I helped orchestrate with the hope that some healing would be able to come to Z over all of this.

Well… healing might look a little different than what I thought it was going to look like.

I shall try to write this all very nicely.

My X stabbed me in the back.

Again.

But, what might hurt the most is that Z believes him.  (or so he says, he is obviously sorting it out & will have to for a long time)

I have been accused of many things on about every level of my life the past two days.  Two separate confrontations with my son.

He wonders why I never told him all these things & thinks I have been just giving the side of the story that is all the bad things his dad did and none of the things that I did.

Hum.  Maybe because they didn't happen?

To put it mildly there is a war going on here.  A war against me & my family.  One that the enemy of our home will do & use anyone to shoot at us.

As awful as it has been, I have continued to speak the truth.  I feel the strength of the Lord.

I realized why God has me studying Gideon right now.

Please, please, please war with me in prayer.

My oldest came home late last night for Thanksgiving break, he wants to go shopping today for a suit, he has an interview with the State Police in December.  (still not sure I like that all that much)

Z has a job interview today.

Prayerful for a quiet, uneventful Thanksgiving weekend… It could happen.  Right?

Sigh.

In His Grip,

Pam

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Peace is back...

Toasty Saturday evening to you all.  Have the wood burning going, the candles lit, the Christmas lights twinkling... something warm brewing... its good.  I have peace in my heart again.

I have no idea what the future holds for my son, but I know God does.  And I have peace.

There is a few points for prayer at this moment


  • I have not seen Z since Friday again, he has been with friends all weekend.  I have no idea which friends.  Trying to trust God on this.  None of his friends are great, but some are definitely worse than others.
  • Z has a job interview on Wednesday.
  • Z has a meeting with his dad set up for Sunday afternoon.  Praying they can both come to some healing in their relationship.  Z can find peace with all the hurt his dad has caused his life.  Z can take responsibility for his own choices and stop blaming other people.
I still can't believe he did this though.  The college sticker on my van is mocking me I think, I need to rip it off... the coffee mug, it irritates me (but it sure is a good one for a nice big cup of joe).  uhg.

My oldest is in the midst of applying for the state police academy.  Just praying for God's plan for him.  It scares me a bit.

We were with family tonight & Miss K did so well.  We praised & praised her & she was soooo proud of herself for not eating red dyes & not getting angry & staying up until 9:00.  Such a blessing when this can happen.  May it become the norm.

I am winding down my photography for the year.  Crazy to think of how blessed this season has been.  Crazy blessed beyond measure.  The winter is always a bit scary, not much work & not much income.  God always provides.

Loved the snow today... Bring us more!!

In His Grip,

Pam

Thursday, November 21, 2013

In case you are waiting.

Well... He withdrew.  He had 10 more days of classes, and he withdrew.

I am still breathing.

The world is still turning.

I have no idea what's next.

His stuff is here & he went to a friends.

He is looking for a job.

Putting together a resume.

I talked to his dad today, my Ex.  He would like to try to talk to Z & get involved.  For those of you who have been with me though the long haul... well, you know.

But, my thought is, we prayed & prayed & prayed for Jim all these years... maybe we will see something come to fruit finally.  Who knows.  Sure not me.

Still praying.  Feeling peaceful though again.  Still can't believe he did this though.

May God use it for good.

In His Grip,

Pam

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Another update

So tired tonight.

My mom & my friend Shelly came over today, and we cleaned.  All. Day.  And put up more Christmas.

Then went to a photoshoot.  And on the way realized I messed up again & had double booked myself.

Thankful for understanding clients who let me be human & will come back and try again tomorrow.

Z came home this afternoon.  Much better demeanor.  Not saying much.  Playing video games downstairs.

He made an appointment with the man at college who will have to be the one who will officially unenroll him.  He asked my dad to go along.  He is.  It's at noon.

Dad talked to the man they are meeting with on the phone today.  I talked to the guy a couple times before too.  Dad just wanted to know what approach was going to be made.

We will see what happens.

Still praying for a miracle.

In His Grip,

Pam

not good

I am tired.

Z walked out last night after I told him that the "friend" he had with him could not stay at our house.

Z's actions and words were not good.

That's all I know.

In His Grip,

Pam

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

He is here.

Z showed up here tonight.

To use my wi-fi & eat my food.

And to vent on me all his preconceived notions & frustrations & everything he assumes I think of him.

I haven't said much.  That's making him mad too.  So, he just talks for me.

He hasn't withdrawn yet.  He said he has a meeting with the guy to do so tomorrow.

Please pray.

In His Grip,

Pam

Let it Go.

My anger slowly waned yesterday towards Z.

I didn't hear from him at all.  That helped.

My dad finally contacted him late in the day & he said he hadn't withdrawn yet, but was planning to (today) tomorrow.  He wanted to know how he was supposed to get his stuff back home.  And my anger rushed back up.

Later I had a conversation with a woman I work with, who asked me some questions about a situation where I am feeling like I have been betrayed by another colleague.  My anger rushed up again.  Totally different reason, but it's still anger that I hate to feel in myself & my heart.  So, that was how I went to bed, praying for the anger to subside.

This morning as I pulled out my Bible Study book, Gideon by Priscilla Shirer, it speaks right to me.

"What is the Lord asking you to release to Him?  Maybe it's hard to see it go because it's been so plentiful in your life and has brought you much comfort.  Understandable.  But take a deep breath... and then let it go anyway.  I assure you, you'll be better off with God's 300 than your 32,000 every single time."
I had so many hopes & dreams for Z and his future.  He has been given a great gift of going to an amazing Christian school with very little debt.  It has felt to me like it was the gateway to an amazing future of hope & healing for Z.  The place where the Truth would set him free, like it said on the wall when we visited.

I am crushed, disappointed, scared, humiliated, angry and just plain sad.

But, I hear God saying to let it go.

So, I pray for the grace to do so.

In His Grip,

Pam

Monday, November 18, 2013

Needing my peace back.

I wish I could say I still had peace this morning.

I am very angry & upset.

I know peace will come back, I know God is in control of all things, I know that God allows us to make our mistakes & many many, many times uses them to bring us back to Himself, as He could not do if we were free of our mistakes.

In many ways I have been where Z is, with my hard nosed ideas that I was right & everyone else was wrong, refusing to listen & refusing to talk to the people who I knew would tell me to do what I didn't' want to do.

That really doesn't help me watch my son go through this.

I still hurt.

I am still angry.

I am still so frustrated I want to scream.

But, I fight with the Word of God, knowing that in IT there is the truth that is battling all the emotions I am feeling.

I haven't heard from Z since last night.

If he follows through with this, he is expecting to move back in to my house.  That might be the biggest part that makes me want to pull out my hair in frustration.  Knowing I will have to be the one that is strong enough to deal with him on a daily basis.

He still says he will join the military.  At this point, I am not even sure I believe he has the motivation to  get that done.

He says he needs to prepare a resume.  Obviously, he has little comprehension of what goes on a resume.  You don't have a resume to prepare when you have done little to nothing.

I am so mad.

Lord have mercy.

In His Grip,

Pam

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Z

Just got text messages from Z saying he is dropping out of school tomorrow.

I am going to vomit.  And cry.

In His Grip,

Pam

Friday, November 15, 2013

A growing peace.

I just want to say today again that I am feeling the prayers.  I am feeling the peace that passes all understanding.  I am believing that God is at work.  I am humbled & grateful & thankful.

Last weekend when Z came in the house I had Christmas music playing.  He commented that it wasn't Thanksgiving yet.  I replied "I know I am playing it because I am not Thankful".  He just stared at me.

I love this time of year,  I feel like I am learning to be Thankful all year, not just a given month or day, which has given me some freedom from the mindset that says, just because it isn't Thanksgiving yet, doesn't mean I can't decorate or enjoy the music that is only played this time of year.  I feel freedom in that.  ONLY thing that bothers me about it all is the shopping places that have decided to stay open on Thanksgiving Day & how sad it is that those people will have to be working and missing the time with their families.  Don't enjoy the whole Black Friday (or is it Thursday now) scene so much.

Dad met with Z yesterday again, it went better this time than it has in awhile.  Thankful.

Z texted me last night just to chat.  Weird.  Thankful.

I have a sneaking suspicion that if Z could figure out how to make this whole college thing work at this point he would.  I have no idea how that looks & if that is even possible.  But, I am reminded of the prayer I have been praying for Z all along.

If God wants him to stay there, God will keep him there.

I am sensing healing going on.  I am sensing a more openness.  I am feeling a joy in my heart & a belief  stronger than ever that God has got this.  And I thank Him for the hope that can only be found in HIM.

And I thank you for the prayers.  I truly, truly see a difference in our lives, in our home, in our circumstances since I began writing again.

It's crazy mind blowing how awesome God is.

From my Bible Study this morning.

"Pride forgets.  Humility remembers".  -- #LessonsFromGideon  Gideon by Priscilla Schriver.

In His Grip,

Pam




Thursday, November 14, 2013

I worry me.

Monday morning I was dressed & showered & drove my 4 youngest kids into school, and waited for 8:05 when I was scheduled to chaperone a field trip to the fire safety village.

At 8:10 when no bus came & no kids came, I went inside to the classroom & found the kids busy at their regular scheduled day.  Field trip is next Monday.

Today when I drove my youngest the almost 15 minutest to school, so she could meet her bus to her school, I realized I forgot to give her her meds.  I dropped her off, drove home, got her meds, (15 more minutes).  Drove to her school (20 minutes) and then back home (20 minutes).  So, I left home at 7:30 and finished all that driving at 9.

Got in the shower, got dressed & ready for my photo shoot that was at "10:30"  only, it wasn't at 10:30, it was at 9:30, so I was late to that.

Really?

What else did I forget to do this week?

Maybe I need prayers.

Wow.

I worry me.

In His Grip,

Pam

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Today's Piece.

The first snow of the season came last night... Love it!  Makes the world so happy & bright!

Creeping in to the gym this morning through the icy parking lot, met up with a friend...

She asked me how I was.

I honestly answered, "really good".

"Are things going better with your son?", she asked.

"No, they aren't.  But, I have peace that my God is bigger than all of this." I replied.

And I do.

In His Grip.

Pam

Monday, November 11, 2013

Well...

Not a whole lot to say about the weekend.

Z came home Friday, we got his car fixed for him, got his phone turned back on for him because he picked it up from where he had lost it.  Then he left & went with friends & I didn't see him again until Sunday when we got home from church he was here.

He did not meet with the pastor/counselor.

Over the weekend, my peace about it all grew.  In church the message seemed to be confirming my peace & trust in God to handle it all.  My peace that I can do this even though I don't feel like it many days grew.

A quote from the first service we went to Sunday (we went to see my nephew dedicated at a church that we don't regularly attend)

"..two things especially are necessary.  These are clear insight that I am really called to this, and a firm trust that it is possible for me,"  --Andrew Murray, Conformity to Jesus
I am calling it an answer to all the prayers, because peace in the midst of trial is just so amazing.

I did have a chance to talk to Z for awhile before he went back to school.  (at least I hope he went this time)  I told him that I have confidence that God is bigger than all of this, that He loves Z more than I do, and that He has a plan to work this all out for Z.  I told him that I can believe that because I know that when my life was falling to pieces I had peace.  And I still have a peace about it.  He looked at me and said "I don't have that peace".  I told him, "I know you don't, but I believe God can give it to you".

Keep praying, we are a long way from the end, but he is willing to sit and listen sometimes, and that is hopeful.

My repeated phrase to God is that He took Z to this college and if He wants him to stay He will have to figure it out.

Another is that HE has promised to be the FATHER to the fatherless.  HE won't let me down.

Z struggles with a God that gives us our free will & lets us mess up so bad.  He wants to be forced to do good things so it's not so hard to do them.  Hard.

Z has said that he likes the friends he has because they accept him.  I told him that I also believe that when he is with them, because they are "worse" than he is, he feels like he isn't so bad.  When he is around other people (like at school) and they are all doing "better" things than him he feels like he is bad.

I asked Z what would happen if he woke up tomorrow morning and just told God that He wanted to do what HE had for his life today.  He kind of brushed it off and said he had tried that & it didn't stick.  I asked him to try it again.  He doesn't think he can.

I told him what the counselor told me about my x when I was going to counseling.  When you are running from your life, the problem is that every where you run, there you are.  He can't run from himself.

His plan is to drop out of school after this semester, get a job temporarily and join the military.

In other news, God has opened some doors for new people to come on board to help with Kiahna.  That's a huge blessing and answer to prayer.  Things are not proceeding very quickly with Sunday school issues or with the new IEP work at school.

I didn't take my kids trick or treating (and haven't for years) mainly because the candy is just too big of a battleground for us.  When Kiahna can't have the food dyes and she wants to eat it & sneaks it, it's just a fight I am willing to avoid at all cost.

So, we go to my sister's house on Saturday night, and K and her 3 year old cousin are playing upstairs. They come down & K is a little bit out of sorts, it's getting late enough for her (7:45) that I know I don't have a lot to work with behavior wise.  I told her that I was taking her home.   She escalated to the state that I just took her out the door, no shoes, nothing & started for the van.  Out in the yard she got physical with me & had to be restrained.  Ended up in the yard with her for probably close to 10 minutes while she screamed & tried to hit me.

Eventually, my sister & her husband came out & told me that they had figured out that the girls had gotten in to one of her older kids rooms and eaten all of the Halloween candy.

Hello tantrum causer.

I HATE THAT THESE DYES ARE IN SO MANY THINGS AND THAT THEY DO THIS TO PEOPLE!  WHY ARE WE DOING THIS TO OURSELVES?  WHY IS THIS LEAGAL!?

So frustrating.

In His Grip,

Pam


Friday, November 8, 2013

Prayer for the weekend.

I should be at the treadmill right now, but I decided with the schedule of the day, getting this post written was more important.

Z is coming home today for the weekend.

Dad spent some time with him again yesterday talking.

Again, it began very frustrating & ended with some encouragement.

I spent some time yesterday at Bible Study.  So nice when they write these studies just for me isn't it?  :)

I am doing a study called Gideon by Priscilla Shirer.

A few quotes:

"He calls us to do impossible stuff."

"The God margin is the space between our resources & God's goal"

"Where you choose to stand determines the vantage point from which you take in the enemy's attacks on your life"

"What is your 300?  What are your weaknesses?  God says 'I will deliver you with the 300'"
One thing is clear.  I am outnumbered.  I am understaffed.  I am the underdog.  I am not able.  I am not even very willing.  I am not capable.  I am not sure.

Another thing is clear.  God Is.

He has prepared me for this battle by teaching me over the years to trust, to have faith, to believe His way is better.  To know that my flesh is weak, my heart is deceitful, my will is strong.  But, He has a better way.  It's not an easy way, but it's a better way.

Right now I am looking at the fight for my second son and my prayer is "God if this cup could be taken away."  I don't want another long hard fight.  I don't want pain.  I don't want suffering.  I don't want consequences.

I want repentance.  I want a willingness to bend a knee to the will of God.  I want it quick.  I want it before he messes up even more things in his life.   I want it without me having to do hard things like say:  "no you can't live here, and no I won't give you  money, and no I won't pay your bills"  I want it without being attacked verbally by his hurting heart.  I want it without being the bigger/safer person that takes all the brunt of the person who he is really angry at that is not here.

Specific prayer requests for this weekend:

Z has agreed to meet with one of our pastor/counselors on Saturday.  It's a miracle that he agreed.  It will be earth shaking if he follows through.  Please, please, please pray.

Pray for his eyes & ears to be open.

Pray against the evil that keeps drawing him to the evil influences and all that that entails.

Pray that I can be strong and not enable.

Pray that my dad can be strong and not enable.

Pray for healing.

Pray for truth.

Pray for wisdom.

Pray for protection upon the rest of our family.

Just pray.

In His Grip,

Pam










Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Prayers

Feeling the prayers.

I have no idea what is going on with Z.

But, I am feeling the prayers here for sure.

Wow.

Just Wow.

I should ask for prayers more often.

Blessed.

In His Grip,

Pam

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

A quick update on Z

Just a quick update.

His phone is still lost, he finally messaged me about noon and told me that it was lost.  He says he is at school.

I suspended the service to the phone.

I also had a call in to the man I talked to at the school a couple weeks ago, he hasn't returned my call yet.

Just wanted to update you.

I am glad he went back to school.   Can't know if he is going to classes at this point though.  He knows if he fails out or drops out at this point his gpa goes down to a zero & no college will ever let him back in, and no scholarships will apply.  Not sure he comprehends at all the reality of that.  No, I know he doesn't comprehend the reality of that.

Sigh...

In His Grip,

Pam

Not a sigh big enough...

...Sigh...

Saw a pin last night on Pinterest that said "Sometimes there just aren's sighs big enough".

"Don't be afraid of them, Remember the Lord who is great and awesome & fight for your brothers, your sons, and your daughters, your wives, and your homes."  --Nehemiah 4:14


The date 8/23/2006 is marked beside the verse and a little red book mark tape in my Bible.  I wrote the words, "Ready to give up on our marriage" beside it.  Because it encouraged me not to stop fighting.  It's hard to fight a battle when you are the only one there fighting.  I don't know if that means I won the battle by forfeit or what it means.

But, the battle for my son is still very much raging.  Not a battle that is new by any means.  It's already been a really long road.  In fact one year ago this week was one of the worst times with him ever.  Not sure if that means something.

I didn't sleep well last night.  My body hasn't adjusted to daylight savings time.  My internal alarm that goes off at 5:58 most mornings, is now going off at 4:58.  K isn't adjusting well to it either,  she's up and has already told me how mad she is that it isn't 7:00 yet, told me she was changing the time.  And told me that she hates me three times.  She's playing with her barbies on the floor now, happily.

In Z's rage last night on the phone to my dad, dad said he sounded like he was eleven again (the age he was when his dad left).  He said some really immature, crazy things about how it was his fault his dad left.  So much is unresolved in that area in his mind.  Add in whatever kind of things he is putting in to his body and it just makes it worse.

At this point my day looks like this:  Wait.  I have no way of getting in contact with Z.  At least last night he didn't even know where his phone was, but maybe he will find it.  I don't know if he is going back to school.  I don't know if he will call me or come here.  If he does come here, it will be difficult.  I will need to say some hard things.  My dad is planning to be gone today, unless that changes.

I want to do this better than I did a couple weeks ago when he was paralyzing me with his behaviors.  I want to trust Jesus with the circumstances & not fear the "what will it take to turn this around" thoughts.  Or the biggest fears I have... what if this is a Jim, or a BJ or a Lance situation... I just can't go there, but that is my biggest battle ground.

The truth is:  God loves Z more than I do.  (thank goodness, because I don't feel very loving at all to him right now).  God has a plan for Z's life.  God is the only one who can make that plan happen.  Z is the only one who can make that plan not happen.  God took Z to the college he is at for a purpose.  If God wants him there he will stay.  If this college was just a step towards freedom, then it was just a step.  God will give Z his free will, just as he does each of us.  God will not let Z go.  But, I have to.

I am tired.  I am worn.  My heart is heavy.  I have so many things that need my attention & my time.  I can't stop this week for a crisis.  Yet, what choice do I have if crisis comes to my door.  If he comes to my door I will deal, if he doesn't I will carry on & keep living & praying.

I am in desperate need of a good massage, but haven't been able to make the time.

Thank you for your continued prayers today.

In His Grip,

Pam

Monday, November 4, 2013

Urgent prayer needed.

Just spent an hour driving around looking for Z.

Multiple phone calls asking for money today.

Multiple lies making us believe he was at school & he wasn't.

Didn't look like he was sober.  Some people saw him.

He talked to my dad on the phone & he was so full of lies, pain & sounded awful.

Wouldn't' tell us where he is.

We didn't find him, but he had calmed down.

I have no idea what is going to happen next.

In desperate need of a SAVIOR!

In His Grip,

Pam

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Up early this morning, as my internal clock doesn't have a button to push to change it's time, neither does my daughter's.

A few text messages with Z last night.  Strange ones.  Sometimes it's best I don't know.  It's easier to pray & not worry.  Focusing on this verse this morning for him:

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.  to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever!  Amen."  Ephesians 3:20-21
A crazy busy weekend with lots of fun family photo sessions, and lots of tears at a really awful end to the AC football season.



The football game reminded me once again how unfair life is, and how much I still want it to be fair.  People don't play fair.  The best team doesn't always win.  Life can just really, really stink sometimes.  A small thing really when I consider hearing of two families losing their Dad's this weekend, one the brother & son of people in our school & our neighbor's brother who fell out a tree stand & suffered spinal injuries, just recently married with a baby on the way.  Another the husband of a woman who was just a year older than me in high school & who's sister & family still live in our community, even though they didn't.  To fall over dead in the midst of a bike race, in the midst of the height of his career as a professor, in the midst of a great ministry, in the midst of raising 4 teenagers, in the midst of life.  Leaves so many questions.  Aren't there enough fatherless children already?  Why are there now more?
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus... look full in His wonderful face... and the things of earth will grow strangely dim... in the light of His Glory and Grace..."


It's our only hope.  Grasp on to this lifeline today.  It's the only thing solid in a world that's sinking sand.

In His Grip,

Pam